Showtime, fuckers.

I woke up this morning and put on the panda pants (RIP my style) but then I was like, you know what, I’m doing my first Group Hang with GOAT and the rest of the Design Team and like, maybe my mom was right about running a brush through my hair and putting on makeup so I don’t intimidate everyone with my Overt FeminismTM.

So I went with solid Tonne Goodman jeans and white shirt / Jenna Lyons sparkle style like a boss. I read it’ll make men listen to me because then they’re not distracted by the fact that I’m a different gender than they are. I guess if they figure that out like everything will just be terrible?

Either way, I’ve been doing like that ad for equal wages and practicing in the mirror. I’m remembering my “How to Get Listened to In Meetings” app training.

DON’T preamble.

DON’T apologize.

BREATHE first, then speak (amazing how i’ve been talking from the bottom of the exhale for like, [redacted] years).

DON’T smile too much but don’t smile too little! Smile the right amount for the median of the room.

Fucking Laurie is gone so actually the Design Team is all dudes.

I am a woman of grace and strength I am a woman of grace and strength.

*

Just walked in the meeting and someone already touched me one time (one time too many) and asked me to get the coffee, hon.

I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE BLOOD-SOAKED GLORY OF TEN THOUSAND UNICORN HORNS AND YOUR BLISTERED HEART WILL BE MINE BOW UNTO THE GODDESS THAT I AM

but what I said was ok do u want milk or sugar or w/e

I don’t want to get fired, you know.

OK I’m back with the coffee. Gonna go ahead and sit at the table instead of at the seats around the wall so that like people get that I’m in this meeting as part of the Design Team not as a get-the-coffee-hon.

Why does Fred never bring paper?

I have to give him my paper.

And then it looks like I’m his secretary.

I’m not his secretary.

I’m a fucking Design Team Apprentice.

Ugh.

Anyway.

Ooooh GOAT just walked in! Things are gonna get so much better rn.

First project, an urban studio envisioning of a middle-income housing project for San Francisco.

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Oh hahahahhhahahahhahahahaha jk  knew that was literally impossible. By “middle-income” they mean “middle manager with Twitter salary” so that’s like $1.5m condos in SoMA.

Hope this one doesn’t fall into the ground lololololololololololololol!

Should not overtly cackle with glee. <writes *sinking Millennium tower* into notebook>

Oh Fred just made the joke about Millennium tower. After looking at my notebook. Of course everyone laughed and was lolololol Fred is so insightful.

OK so I guess this tower is gonna be like super tall but they don’t want it to be ultra, you know, PHALLIC, so

“Pants! What do you think?”

They wouldn’t ask me here to be a token. They wouldn’t do that. They can’t do that. It’s 2016! But did they just ask me what I think literally one second after saying “we have to make sure this isn’t too, you know, MASCULINE?”

I guess option-1 is tell them to go full Zaha and make curves (because no architecture before Zaha made curves COUGH Greg Lynn COUGH Eero Saarinen) and option-2 is to just remind them that we have people like Deborah Berke and Jeanne Gang and Amale Andraos and like maybe we could just stop assuming that skyscrapers = dicks and non-skyscrapers = [something Trump would say]?

Ok Fred jumped in and just said something about Lynn and Saarinen. Does he think Lynn is a girl? I think he does. That’s the thing, you call all these architects by their last names but then we’re all “Zaha this and Zaha that” but if we were like “David and Danny down by Lower Manhattan” would literally anyone besides ok legit > 1000 people know who we were talking about?

Anyway. I’m going to plant my feet firmly on the ground, inhale, and then speak clearly and calmly. I’m inhaling, inhaling, everyone’s waiting, I’m about to—it’s

“I have this really great idea to de- and re-contextualize our project.” Oh it’s Mark.

I know Mark doesn’t mean anything by keeping constant track of my outfits but also, real talk, do you think Mark and Fred pass each other’s cubicles every morning and be like “great outfit today Fred oh thanks great outfit today Mark you look great you must be doing well you look super good and great”

They do not.

OMG now GOAT is asking for my direct opinion!!!! !! ! ! ! !  !! ! !

Breathe, feel the ground, summon panda power.

“I think we should actually focus on turning 1/3 of these condos into low-income housing; this will both elevate our status with the community and also be a great marketing tool.”

I did it. I am a unicorn of infinite power and grace.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

GOAT: “Any other ideas?”

Fred: “This is kind of a wild one guys!”

Ooh

Fred: “Stay with me here. I propose that we focus on radically transformative decontextualization and concentrate on turning 70% of our housing into high-income properties while deeply engaging with the surrounding context and leaving the rest to be low-income residential opportunities.”

Nods all around.

“And get this—this is going to both sharply improve our own reputation—AND—get this, stay with me, it’s going to be a brilliant publicity tool.”

WILD APPLAUSE.

hashtag notokay hashtag ayfkmwts hashtag smile and nod, smile and nod, MY DAY WILL COME.